There are times in my days, weeks, or months when the inner critic in me takes over and says, “you shouldn’t do that because you aren’t good enough” or “you shouldn’t say that because you don’t know enough” or “you shouldn’t ask for that because you don’t deserve it.” These are the moments when I kick myself because here I am not feeling strong enough, pretty enough, smart enough, skinny enough, or worthy enough because I am allowing self-doubt to take over. Not only do I allow these thoughts to make me feel insecure, but at times they also impact my decision-making. “I’m not going to apply for that job, I’d never get it.”
The worst part about self-doubt is that it goes hand-in-hand with fear. And just like self-doubt, fear is nothing more than a state of mind. Both self-doubt and fear hold us back from who we are, who we want to be, and what we want to do. Fear and self-doubt keep us in our comfort zone because… it’s comfortable. It’s what we know and it’s less likely for us to fail in this space.
In all honesty, I feel like there is some benefit to doubting yourself and being fearful of failure, embarrassment, etc. When I am feeling doubtful about things such as giving a presentation or passing a test, I do all that I can to ensure I feel a certain level of competency. That could mean studying into the wee hours of the night for a week, watching endless YouTube videos about linear regression, or reciting a speech in the mirror for hours at a time. The inner critic forces me to become better where I feel like I am lacking because I am more scared to fail or be embarrassed than anything else. Thus, the benefit of self-doubt. However, the problem arises when we choose to dwell on our doubt and allow it to set itself into our lives. This only hinders us and holds us back from what we want to accomplish.
I’m honestly not about to sit here and give you this 1…2…3…4…5-type of list on how to eliminate or deal with self-doubt. I can only speak from experience and I’ll tell you what I do when I am in these moments. To be honest, that only consists of two things: (1) cancelling out all negativity and (2) telling someone, specifically someone that supports me, what I am feeling and why I am feeling this way.
Cancelling out negativity
Train your mind to see the good in everything. For those of us that are familiar with doubting ourselves, we often times focus on what we could have done better or what didn’t go well in a particular situation. I’ve found myself thinking about all the reasons some guy may not like me and have had to stop mid-thought and re-evaluate all of the reasons he might be into me more than I think. We have to realize that both negativity and positivity is a choice. The happiness of our life depends on the quality of our thoughts. Negative thoughts come natural to me because I am naturally an over thinker. I make an effort to overcome negative thoughts because it’s exhausting and I know that it is only holding me back from being the best version of myself.
Telling someone
Support systems are so important for so many reasons. You have to notice the people who are happy for your happiness and sad for your sadness. These are the same people who push you to be your best self. Sometimes it’s hard for me to realize who I am and what I am capable of doing. When I tell Shelby, Chrissy, my mom, or even my 10 year old nephew what I may be feeling, they help me see in myself what I cannot see at the moment. It’s funny because I was talking to my nephew about how bummed out school had me feeling since it requires so much of me. He then says, “So you’ll have your PhD (it’s actually my DrPH) by the time you’re 30?” I say, “Yes.” He says, “Wow. Interesting. That’s pretty good, Auntie.” In just that short conversation he re-sparked the fire in me that I needed to go home and finish my paper. Choose your team carefully and don’t be afraid to be vulnerable with them. Tell them how you feel and why. If you find that they are only feeding your insecurities, find a new team.
Rihanna didn’t start Fenty and basically take over the makeup industry because “the market is over-saturated.” TheShadeRoom didn’t become one of the world’s messiest blog sites because “that’s TMZ’s job and we wouldn’t succeed.”
Whatever is for you, is FOR YOU! Do what makes you happy and let go of those thoughts that chip away at your life. Take action and don’t look back. Your life can be totally different a year from now.
