The Strong Friend: Having One or Being One

Either we have one, we know one, or we are one – the strong friend. The strong friend is always there to offer other people advice, comfort, support, and a helping hand when needed. The strong friend is one who rarely talks about the moments when they are sad, feeling vulnerable, or need help. The strong friend has been through a lot and most of it alone because they’ve always played the role of one who keeps it all together in the name of being strong for everyone else.

I’m the strong friend, so I get it. We bottle things up, we cry in places we’d never get caught, we talk about our feelings in a jokingly way, we filter our emotions, and we push through everything. We are afraid that if we show emotion, we will be judged for being weak. I get it. If any of this sounds familiar and one particular person comes to mind, they are your strong friend! If any of this sounds familiar and you thought about yourself, you are the strong friend!

HAVING A STRONG FRIEND

There’s a few things that are important to know about most strong friends:

Their lack of showing emotion does not mean they do not have them: Not only do we have emotion, but sometimes we need help zoning in on what emotions we may be feeling. We need help acknowledging what is happening in our lives and why it shouldn’t be swept under the rug. I don’t want to be cliché’ and say, “check on your strong friends,” but CHECK ON YOUR STRONG FRIENDS! Most people will advise you to ask them how they are doing and how they are feeling, but that is not enough. I can guarantee they will give you a blanket response such as, “I’m good, just tired” or “nothing is new, life is life.” Basically something that says absolutely nothing. Pay attention to them, ask them why they have been sleeping more lately, drinking more lately, eating more lately. Listen to the subtle things they say and dive deeper into those statements. Don’t just call them or text them asking them how they are, show up for them like they show up for you!

We have the tendency to break down harder than all of our friends: It’s similar to shaking a carbonated beverage and allowing the pressure to build up. Once there’s too much pressure built up in the bottle/can, what happens? This is what happens to your strong friend as well. Everything builds up until we can’t take it anymore and we explode. Of note, the explosion doesn’t always look like an outburst of emotion/anger/etc. Sometimes the explosion looks like days of lying in bed and eating poorly, skipping class and lacking motivation, binge drinking, substance abuse, or abusive behavior. When you notice that something is off about your strong friend, inquire about it. Do something about it. Again, show up for them how they show up for you! #KeepThatSameEnergy

Don’t be offended if we don’t take your advice: Due to our strong minded, strong-willed, strong-ish behavior we are naturally independent. Most issues we’ve already worked through from a logical standpoint. We just haven’t taken time to work through it from an emotional standpoint and that’s where friends come in – or where they are supposed to come in. I’ll give you an example, when I finally decided to leave my ex, I had already thought through the pros and cons of doing so; my mind was made up. So it wouldn’t have made sense for my friends to come in asking questions and trying to help me work through my decision making process. It made more sense for them to come in and help me deal with the emotions of the decision that I made. It is rare that the strong friend needs help with logic, practicality, and decision-making. Focus on being there for them. Often times the love that compassionate people give is the love that they would like to receive. So think about what your strong friend does for you and give her/him that same energy.

BEING THE STRONG FRIEND

Dear Strong Friend, I get it! It’s hard to ask for help. It’s hard to put your problems on to other people. However, it is SO necessary. When they said it takes a village to raise a child, they forgot to state that it takes the same to ensure the positive well-being in an adult. Don’t assume that your friend knows when something is wrong. Don’t be upset at them for not knowing that you are not okay. Remember, the strong friend is the one no one ever checks on. They strong friend is inspiring and other’s aspire to be like us, but forget that we, too, feel. We’ve never given them a reason to think this, to feel that they need to be there for us. Don’t be mad at them for not knowing or recognizing the needs of the strong friend.

Practice being more open with your feelings: Practice telling your friend’s about what you are feeling. Start by revealing yourself and your emotions in small ways. In ways that, if it were to be used against you in the future, you wouldn’t regret it. This builds trust and helps you understand which friend(s) you can and cannot be transparent with. Make it a shopping experience; we all have that one, go-to store that we hit up when we want to find an outfit quickly (shout out ZARA). This is no different. Shop around for that go-to friend that is okay with being a shoulder you can lean on when you don’t feel strong yourself. You may already have someone in mind or you may already have someone you can trust. If that’s the case, you just have to become comfortable with being vulnerable. You aren’t afraid of change in any other aspect of your life. So, don’t be afraid to change how you address your feeling’s.

Do not ignore how you feel: We have to be honest with ourselves, if no one else. Take time to analyze how you feel and address what you are feeling in the healthiest way that will make you feel better. Dealing with the death of my father was no easy task. And in order to get through the remainder of the semester, I had to process things in a way that I had never done before. Instead of covering my emotional wounds with a Band-Aid, I literally poured alcohol on them and let that sh*t burn. I was honest with myself about each and every emotion I felt. I stopped holding back tears and allowed them to flow when they wanted. I cried with my friend putting up Christmas decor (shout out D’Ani), I cried with my friends during game night (shout out PVGE), I cried during casual convo with my mom, I cried driving home from work, I cried myself to sleep, I cried! I had to acknowledge that I was sad, angry, hurt, etc. in order to get through those intense emotions. Most of the time I processed these emotions alone, but when I felt them come on around others, I allowed myself to feel and release.

It’s okay to not be the strong friend, at times: It’s 100% okay to pull away from being the strong friend from time to time. This practice involves making statements such as, “Sorry, I can’t help you with that,” or “Sorry, I can’t come over right now,” or “Sorry, I can’t bear the weight of any issues other than my own this week.” Being the strong friend can become a job at times, but at what cost? Losing ourselves? Not taking care of ourselves? We are vessels to other people and we pour ourselves into the world, but we CANNOT POUR FROM AN EMPTY CUP.