Hey, Goal Diggers! I got together with my good friend, Theresa Exum-Lucas, to discuss the importance of establishing and maintaining boundaries within friendships. It can be such a taboo topic among friends and one that certainly should be discussed more! This blog post gives you a recap of our discussion on Instagram Live and you can even check out the full video here. If you tuned into the IG live, THANK YOU!! It was such an in-depth, productive, and beneficial conversation.
But wait!!! Before we get into things, let me introduce you all to Theresa! Theresa and I met in undergrad at Iowa State University and we’ve been really good friends since! I am so blessed to have such an intelligent, beautiful, strong-willed woman like Theresa in my circle.
Theresa Exum-Lucas is a Wife, Stepmama, Author, Educator, and Owner of Happy Go Lucas. She is a strong advocate for mental health and loves helping millennials find balance in their lives. She lives in California with her husband, two daughters, and two pups.
Okay… so now we can get into it! Remember that this is merely a recap of our conversation. However, you can watch the video here, which will give you much more insight into what other people had to say as well!
The WHY in establishing boundaries in friendships
Most relationships in your life require boundaries. Why not have them in a friendship? You have boundaries with your parents, coworkers, significant other, and many other people that you interact with frequently. Having boundaries helps you maintain healthy friendships.
Those points alone highlight the importance of why we should discuss, establish, and maintain boundaries with friends. Having the conversation isn’t always easy, but it can sometimes be absolutely necessary. It’s necessary because it allows space for both friends to have a general understanding of each other’s needs.
- Boundaries are a form of self-care; Boundaries are a form of self-respect; Boundaries allow you to be your true self; Boundaries create a safe space; Boundaries create realistic expectations.
- If you aren’t accustomed to setting boundaries, it’s likely you aren’t used to accepting others’ boundaries. For example, If you never make yourself unavailable you may expect that others will do the same for you as well. It could be problematic.
The WHEN in establishing boundaries in friendships
Realistically, not many people go into a friendship saying, “Okay, we’re friends! Let’s talk boundaries!” I appreciate the direct approach and think that it can decrease confusion in the long run, but it’s not a realistic scenario. Both Theresa and I have been a part of situations where we’ve had to pull a friend to the side for a “let’s get on the same page” talk. Based on what we’ve experienced, we’ve given you situations where you may have to establish boundaries with friends.
- You need boundaries if your relationship with this person is negatively affecting your relationship with yourself, your partner, your family, or your kids.
- You may need to set boundaries when you are undergoing a major life transition such as a new job, graduating from college, or starting a family.
- You may need to set boundaries when there’s a feeling that the two of you are not on the same page about important values, beliefs, environments, circumstances, etc.
- You may need to set boundaries if you have a major deadline approaching.
The HOW in establishing boundaries in friendships
Before you can communicate your boundaries you must first know them. Where do you stand? What’s important to you in a friendship? What are your limits? What are the boundaries you have with family? Coworkers? What are your physical, emotional, financial, etc. boundaries?
Once you know your boundaries you should be direct, clear, and confident when you communicate them to others. Be firm in your statements and have evidence-based feelings. In other words, don’t accuse or allege that something happened without having examples to stand on. For example, “It makes me uncomfortable when we go to bars and you drink way past your limit. I feel as though you are putting our safety at risk and I have to take care of you every time. For example, the other night when we went to Belle Station and the night before when we went to The Address.”
Important things to remember when discussing boundaries and friendships:
- Don’t be confrontational: This should be a productive conversation between two adults. Don’t be confrontational in your tone or with your words. If you are not ready to emotionally have the conversation you will not be able to mentally have a productive conversation.
- Remember that you aren’t a therapist: Avoid going into the conversation feeling as if you need to fix, help, or guide someone into doing what you feel or think is best.
- Pause and reflect: Conversations don’t need to be tit-for-tat. Sometimes it’s okay to pause and reflect before you respond – even if it takes minutes. Oftentimes, we need to process things and it is totally normal to do so when discussing an important topic such as boundaries.
- Listen to understand and not to respond: There is absolutely no way that you can have a productive conversation with anyone if you are listening to respond to their point as opposed to listening to understand their point.
- Consider things that have happened in the past: What has happened that has led to a discussion on boundaries? Lay it all out on the table so that you can be as clear as possible moving forward. This leads me to the next point…
- Have facts and examples: Accusing someone of “not being understanding” is a moot point if you have no examples to back up your feelings. People oftentimes need to be shown how and when they crossed a boundary and it helps them understand why you feel how you feel.
- Don’t be accusatory: Your feelings are valid but what you may see as “wrong,” someone else may see as “normal.” If you adhere to the suggestions above, you are more likely to not come off as accusatory. Instead, you’ll simply be discussing how you feel and why you need a boundary (or two) set.
